The older I get, the more I notice a couple of things:
1. I have less and less real answers, despite having more experience.
2. I value experience over ownership.
3. I still haven’t figured out what work/life balance means.
One thing I am sure of, and that it’s all still a work in progress. Over the course of my life I have obsessively pursued goals, striving to be one of the best at something. At a very young age that was wrestling, then that switched to racquetball. I went as far down that path as I possibly could have, and I got many life lessons out of that pursuit. I wandered for a bit after that, unsure of my next thing to conquer. Maybe in some ways I am still looking for that thing; I am hoping it is public speaking and mentoring. I am trying to bring that to fruition, as it is something I am passionate about. This obsessive desire for improvement and conquest has its price at times. Things don’t happen quickly enough, and constant struggle is a difficult way to live.
The struggle I have at the moment is an existential one of sorts. I have pursued things down a certain path for more than a few years, and I am really starting to question whether or not I want to continue down that same path. As with everything, there are pluses which keep me here,
and there is the ever-present question in my mind of “What If…”
If I took a leap of faith and made a significant change, is my life going to be better, different, or am I taking for granted how good I have it right now? Can I not see the forest for the trees?
I saw a great quote from the Pro Tennis player Stan Wawrinka the other day, and basically it went like this: Playing tennis teaches you to deal with losing. Unless you win the tournament, you end your week on a loss. Then, you go back to practice and try to plug the holes and improve, and try again next week.” Very true statement. And my concern for myself is that I have grown soft, that I am taking the easy way out. Maybe I have gotten comfortable, and in some ways that is a terrible thing.
Being older and wiser than I was at 25, I am trying to map out a plan in advance, instead of my previous game plan of jump-first-then-look. At times, my confidence in my own ability to figure things out has caused me undo heartache and trouble, so I am trying to find the balance between the two. I have others to consider now as well; I am married, so everything has to be shared and discussed. Any decision to leave a current profession, endeavor, whatever, is going to affect all of those you are in contact with as well. I know at the end of the day, I have to take care of me, and make decisions based on what is in my best interest. By being at my best, I can better serve the world, in whatever capacity that is possible.
This I have learned…I need to take my time. I have learned over the years that giving a little space in between an occurrence and a decision is a valuable thing. It gives time for my emotions to fade, for logic and reason to set in. I will feel differently about things in a day or two, and this is good.
For now, I will just sit and ponder, drinking my chai tea at Starbucks, writing. I will enjoy my life the way it is.
Because if there is one more thing I am more cognizant of, it’s this:
It is later than we think….